I was bullied for about a year, in junior high school. It was a while ago, and it didn’t last long, but it did happen. I wasn’t the victim of a mob of mean girls, or a school yard tanning. It was one boy, known by many for his malicious verbal slingings, and it has stayed with me, even 20-years later.
Not all bullying has to be physical to leave scars. Image courtesy Wikipedia.
I have stood on the other side of the fence too; been part of a group doling out unkind advice to other kids, and in keeping with my upbringing, I crossed the fence every time. I was taught words can be hateful, and hate can be hurtful, so I stood up for the other kid, most often alone. Yet instead of alienating myself, this usually brought events to a close, and off we went, my bullying friends and I, back into our own world of oblivion.
It’s different being the recipient of such taunts. Call it karma or what you will, but someone stood up for me too. While her support and defense will be forever remembered as bravery in the eyes of an 11-year old me, they cannot deafen the cruelty of a mean, angry little boy only minutes earlier. His words, directed at my appearance, have held lasting impact on how I’ve viewed my body.
I’m no shrink, and I’m not even going to begin to attempt to understand why a child would harbor so much hate for anyone carrying additional weight. I admit after multiple injuries, major surgery and a broken ankle I had gained a few extra pounds. It was tough on me already, working through the changes in my life due to a prematurely failing body (more on that another day), and compounding it with the aspect of starting junior high. But I digress, because in reality there is no reason that would justify his behaviour towards me, or the other victims of his verbal lashings. There is just no excuse for his behaviour. There is also no excuse for dignifying him with acknowledgement.
The thing is, we allow others to denigrate us, by accepting their words. Perhaps we don’t know it, but we often hold ourselves to the standards of others, and in that wake, we lose sight of what is truly important to us. In working so hard to regain my physique, I let go of the skill and ability that had made me a good dancer. I had misplaced my values for those of aesthetic mandates, and accepted appearances at all costs.
Image courtesy ih8itih8it.blogspot.ca
Over the years I have come full circle; I place value on achievements that are important to me. I accept at full value what my appearance means: I am healthy; I have a body that is well cared for, I am beautiful just the way I am. And yet that has come as no easy task, as I have often heard a voice so clearly remind me, perhaps my physique isn’t desirable at all. Perhaps my small frame would be better off smaller, or enhanced. At times of struggle, that same voice has been known to sling insults telling me I can’t make it, or that I won’t be enough. That voice, so familiar, so precise, can strike at the centre of emotion and bully me to near submission. I’m not alone; we all have this voice. No longer the vicious boy two lockers away, but a voice we all know as our own. We are each our own worst bully.
I attended a conference several months ago and the keynote speaker opened up with some personal stories of trial and triumph. Yet his focus was not his accomplishments: an internationally known writer, a well respected creative mind, an innovator, an Ironmaner. His focus was centered on the presentation of what he considered his overly distended belly. I could see an Ironmaner, he could only see an overweight 40-something. Self deprecation has become acceptable, and I no longer accept that.
How can we teach others not to bully when we do it to ourselves?
So rather than focus on what you do not do, focus on what you do. Instead of looking in the mirror and demeaning what you do not have, treasure what you hold. Substitute the value of a slim physique with the importance of a healthy mind and body. Love the you you see, not the you you want. Whether it comes from someone on the outside or a deep voice from within, bullying is bullying and it has to stop.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Do you self-bully? How do you handle self-deprication? I’d love to hear your thoughts, please leave them in the comments below!
I really like this post, I love how it talks about how we bully ourselves.
I have learned that the happier I am and the more accepting I am of myself the less anyone else’s comments or opinions matter.
I was bullied by one person who told lies to a teacher whom then got involved and talked to me like I was the one saying and doing mean things. I know now that he was trying to stop what he perceived as bullying on my part, it’s too bad it was directed to the wrong student and I was very confused the entire conversation.
Unfortunately some of my friends figured out who it was and what they had done before I did and teased her in return. I changed friends.
Thanks Jen! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with bullies too
But you’re right; the more you accept yourself the less concerned you are with outsider’s comments. It’s a tough place to get to though, yet so rewarding when you do find that self-acceptance.
Whoa! I really needed to read this at this very moment. Powerful. We do see ourselves often through the eyes of others. I guess that’s why opinions matter so much to so many. I’ve been bullied. I’ve been a bully, which I am ashamed of. Like you, I’ve also been the person to defend someone being bullied. I think people who bully really do it to feel powerful-it’s an opiate we haven’t explored. I think lots of us feel powerless and when we get an opportunity to change that we jump at it. But as you pointed out, the real power comes from changing our perception of self;taking a stand to stop negativity in all its forms. This was awesome.
Thank you so much for your comments, Holly! I truly believe that what we call ‘negative self-talk’ is just another form of acceptable bullying in many ways. I also feel that for many, we bully others – either verbally or even just in our own minds by thinking mean thoughts – out of a lack of self esteem and/or our own insecurities.
I’m so glad you stopped by and shared your thoughts; I’m so happy to hear this piece had relevance for you!